


My Poetry

by planetundersiege



Category: Poetry - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Bullying, Demons, Depression, Dysphoria, Feelings, Gen, Heartbreak, Love, Poetry, Suicidal Thoughts, deep
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-22 03:10:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13755033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planetundersiege/pseuds/planetundersiege
Summary: Just a place where I dump all of my poetry.





	1. Dysphoria

I see a boy in a mirror.

The moment I first saw life, the moment I first got blinded by the white light in the hospital room.

I was wrong.

Girl, little lady, a future heartbreaker. Those were the first words they ever said about me. That I would grow up to be the perfect little girl everyone wanted to have.

But I knew they were wrong.

I am a boy, always have been, but no.

Not to them.

I don't have the parts, they said. I don't have the guts, they said. I was wrong, but not in my way. I was not a boy with a body of a prison, I was a girl with a messed up mind.

Dresses, all of the dresses I was forced into.

And those god damn skirts, and the pink room I was forced to sleep in.

Me begging and crying for short hair while I felt the weight from it. In the mirror I saw a pretty girl with long hair down to the waist. She was pretty, but that wasn't me. That had never been me, it was a ghost that I saw, a ghost that always had pained me, when it was back in my mind.

A boy, that's what I am.

I don't know why, I don't know how, but it's true.

But no, my words weren't enough, they knew me better than I did.

Screaming at me, all the curse words.

Laughingstock of the family, that's what I was.

I was a girl with a broken mind.

But no, I was a boy with a broken heart.

Every time I saw myself, it hurt. Translucent tears always decorated my pale face.

I always hid in my room, wanted everything to be gone.

I was tangled in a ball of hate, a black aura all around me.

And when my family found out about me true self, it just got worse.

Banned from wearing hoodies, banned from meeting my friends.

They thought that it would make everything end.

And end it didn't.

Not my gender.

But something that did end, my happiness, my defender.

No joy in life anymore, just blank stares and a void.

I always felt so cold.

I have scars, and will get some more, but I am looking forward to the day when my scars are inflicted by doctors, giving the chest I was always meant to have, instead of the thing I have now.

And thanks to the family, some scars will never heal, even when I'm working on becoming my true self.

Some wounds will follow until I grow old.

I look at the mirror, blue eyes staring back at me.

So who is that boy with tears in his eyes and scars on his wrists? Well, it's kind of hard to miss.


	2. Depression

A black shadow.

It silently flows into my life, entangling me in it, don't want me to leave.

I'm trapped, I feel nothing.

It's the shadow's fault.

It's the shadow's fault I feel nothing.

As the shadow grows, I feel myself get drained to the brink.

Am I even myself anymore?

Have I ever been?

What am I?

I don't have a clue.

Should I laugh?

Should I cry?

I don't know.

As I sit in my chair beside my desk, looking out of the translucent window, my blue eyes being trapped while looking at the black, starry night of the winter.

I never get a second of peace, I don't know if I ever will.

The black shadow, the evil shadow.

It cuts of the cords to my brain, I don't even remember what happiness feels like.

Is that good or bad?

Am I worth something?

No.

I'm not.

I'm useless.

That's what the shadow says.

I feel the tears dripping down my cheeks, I wanna be normal again. It's been so long, so long since I've felt like a normal person.

I wanna feel something.

But no.

The shadow have my feelings under control.

I don't have the time.

I don't have the energy.

I'm scared of meeting people and be rejected.

I can't feel anything.

But I wish I did.

Good or bad.

I wanna feel human again.

 


	3. Heartbreak

Love is a strange thing

I told myself I wouldn't love her

She was bad

And had broken my heart

But here I am again, crying

I knew I shouldn't have given a cheater a second chance, but my heart spoke for me

Love truly is blind

Because if it wasn't, I would have never fallen for someone I knew was going to break me right from the start.

Love is something I'm never going to understand

And I don't know if that is good or bad

I hide myself

Don't want a connection

I'm afraid of the day I'll love someone like I loved her again

Because deep in my heart

I know I will just end up broken all over again

I shouldn't cry over a cheater

Someone who's entire joy is to tear me apart, but here I am, small drops of tears running down my face

I can't let her go from my mind

I want too

But just can't

She is trapped

Or rather, she's trapped me

I don't know if I ever will be able to trust again

For you never forget a cheater like that

Who lied to you for eight months straight

Will I ever feel truly happy or safe with another person?

I don't think so

But we'll see

Until next heartbreak

And it will happen all over again

For the rest of my life

I will look for another person that made me feel that way, and when I finally trust them

They'll break me

I know it

That's how all of them are

Fuck love


	4. Bullies

Hit in the face

Blood on the ground

Staining the gray pavement along with my tears

Tears of true fear and hopelessness

Freak

Ugly

Dumb

Pathetic

That's what I am

That's what school says I am

The bullies rule it all, the wild jungle of feelings

Only the strong survive

A fragile little thing like me should have been dead from the beginning

Weeding out the gene pool

I don't deserve a life

And it's true

Because the bullies words are law here

And sadly, I know it's true

Will I ever be accepted?

I don't know

Ten years behind me, I've got numb

Yet they're still so dumb

They want to break me

They've done it tons of times

They should have moved on, but no

A bully doesn't move on until their prey is dead


	5. Cheater

I loved her

Thought it would be us to the end of the world

I had so many hopes, so many dreams, that now never will be fulfilled

She made me feel special, I was her handsome guy

Who brought me up from depression, brought me up from dysphoria

Just to throw me back into the abyss, deeper than previously

I never really meant anything to her

I was just a joke

A boytoy

Not even that

Because months later I found out she had made fun of me for being trans to multiple people

I trusted that angel

But there never was an angel

Only a devil

A devil that I gave my heart too

She cheated on me, not with one, not with two, but five guys too

Everyone knew

No one said a thing

They wanted to have their favorite ignorant laughingstock

The shame I felt

It can never be explained

But it feels like I'll never be whole

Will I ever be able to open up to another person again?

I don't know


	6. Demons

Stop it.

Stop it.

I said fucking stop it.

I hate you.

And you know it.

Yet you're still here, smirking as you turn my agony against me.

You're longing for it.

Waiting for it.

You want me to die.

And you makes me want to die too.

The thought of you makes me puke.

Just go away.

I don't need you in my life.

Yet you're still here, despite the fact that I've said goodbye.

You seem to be deaf.

Or maybe you just don't care.

Because you feed on breaking us down, like how a wolf stalks a hare.

You want me to break.

You want me to cry.

You're a sick fucking bastard, how do you feel so high?

You've destroyed my life.

But you aren't done.

Will you every be pleased?

No, not until I'm gone.


	7. Bore

One

Two

Three

Four

What did you call me?

I am a bore?

But you say I'm also a whore?

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Your words they are, they make me hate.

One on one,

You wanna go, mate?

Nine

Ten

Eleven

Twelve

My will to live, where you there when it fell?

Guess I'll never know

But you wanted me dead.


	8. Gay

The new kid

You’re cute

They way your smile lights up my day

The way you play the ukelele

I fell in deep when I saw you

Yes, I knew I was gay

But are you?

I don’t know

But I’m keeping my hopes up

Because you’re the one for me

You don’t leave my mind, whatever I do

I barely likes boys

Mostly girls

But it happens once in a while, and I wouldn’t change the world

I open my heart for you

Please take my hand

I want it to be just us

I promise, I’m far from bland

I wanna be your boyfriend

Not merely your friend

You’re the boy for me

I know you might not like me

And that’s okay

I can’t force you

You’re great as you are

But man, I hope you’re gay


End file.
